Monday, 6 May 2013


My belongings are all but packed. When I moved to the lodge, I had little. Now I have even less. This upsets me. It's strange, though. A huge part of me doesn't want any of it at all; not my job, not my "things", not even my car. I do want my bicycle and what few clothes I have left, but the rest...

I have contemplated giving it all away. The lot. Just discard the old baggage and start again. I have that opportunity, so what's stopping me? Wanting to be normal?

The lodge was never what I expected it would be. It was not the writer's haven, nor the photographer's paradise. It was freezing cold in the winter; a capsule of seclusion. A place for hibernation.

I have learnt a lot from my experience. Sometimes I feel as though I have learnt nothing at all. I have stepped backwards a fraction: my confidence has dropped, my insecurities exposed. I am not sure if I have missed the opportunity for self-development.

It is time to move on. Start afresh. I'm good at that, at least. It is a good starting again though. S will be moving in with me in a couple of months time, if not less. I will have to adapt to living with someone again.

I have often wondered if my past experiences of co-habiting have damaged me in some way, but I am going to try my hardest. She is worth it.

Life is about how you adjust to situations and how you learn from them, but for so many years I have felt like the wrong shaped cog trying to fit into the machinery of society. I have never quite fitted and never understood how others do. I pretend that I know more than I do, but I really know nothing.

There is so much pressure in today's world to be a certain  way. To hold down a good job, to marry and have children. I'm gay, so those same pressures shouldn't be relevant but yet it is expected of me. Not the children, perhaps, but the rest. Is that really me?! I hate being tied down. Every Spring, I lust for adventure far from here. I become restless and begrudge being stuck.

There has been a lot of talk this weekend. S is the same as me. We crave the same things. She makes me feel that we can find a way. We will try to adapt our lives to make it possible, to do all the things we want.

Life will be interesting, I am certain. And it will mean a hell of a lot of adjustments.