Thursday, 23 August 2012
It makes you wonder though, doesn't it? If you could really see an alternative you - who is like you in every way - would you like yourself? We are often blinded to our own foibles and peculiarities, but strangely we also spend a lot of time beating ourselves up or giving ourselves a hard time. Or, at least, I know I do.
I do like to spend quite a lot of time on my own, and I indulge in introspection as I walk for miles upon miles in perfect isolation but I am only slightly closer to knowing who I am. I mean like really knowing. There are just so many questions. Wouldn't it be easier if I had another "self" to ask.
Imagine if it was possible. I would like this other me, I am certain of that. Admittedly, I would have a few words with her about procrastination and motivation, and maybe patience too, but I would pat her on the back for getting back up every time she suffered a fall; and for signing up to kung fu even though she's shy. I would say well done for all the achievements in the last two years: for losing all the weight, for becoming fit and healthy, for pushing herself to run and cycle no matter what the weather. She's pushed herself into meeting new people and has made many friends along the way. She has coped with heartbreaks and suffering but still she is a kind and compassionate woman who is a loyal and trusted friend. Thinking about it, that other self is pretty strong when she has to be, which means that I must be too. That's kind of cool, when you look at it like that.
I'm not trying to enlarge my ego, it's just that sometimes I think that it is so easy to beat yourself up for all the little failings that you end up missing the bigger picture. One of my friends once said that everyone is stronger than they think they are. I am now beginning to think that's true.
So what would you see in your self if you had a parallel "you" standing in front of you? Would you see them for all the good and the bad?
Wayne W Dyer said: "You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with". We are with ourselves all the time, even in sleep we are there in some shape or form, so perhaps it's for the best that we learn how to like ourselves otherwise it will be a long and bumpy journey.
Tuesday, 21 August 2012
I've been a bit AWOL. I suppose that's not much different to how I usually feel. Maybe I'm permanently AWOL?
I am often very much a lone wolf. I go for my 12+ mile walks on my own and I enjoy every moment of my own company. I like to go off road cycling and get plastered in mud...on my own. I don't need company, or so I thought. This is what I call going AWOL. One of my friends said that I go a bit feral, but being wild isn't something I'd associate with myself. I do, however, sometimes find it difficult to relate to the world so I just go quiet for a while so that I can figure things out.
As I said, I thought that that's all I need but today I felt sad: I've never had anyone to share these adventures with; not someone who actually gets it, anyway. For a start, I don't actually know anyone who would be up for walking 5 hours at a time and who stops to look at cool wildlife along the way. And I have only ever met one girl who likes cycling like I do. I'm sure she's out there, I just haven't met her. I guess I have realised that that is what I am really missing. :-/
In the mean time, while I take time off work, I am adventuring as much as I can. I might not be able to share it, but at least I can still have fun.
Thursday, 16 August 2012
Today I attended the funeral of a work colleague. It was a sad day but a lovely send off to a wonderful woman.
It had been a shock to find out that she had suffered a fatal heart attack. She was only 59. I know that she will be sorely missed.
Life is fragile, so easily snuffed out. It's why every day we are alive should be lived and be grateful for. Who knows how much time we have left.
I have not been to many funerals, though the number is creeping up at a more noticeable rate as I get older. I have always preferred the ones that celebrate the life of the person who has died. Today's was like.
So, although I am in a somewhat muted mood this evening, I have continued as ever to try to live a little because life is the most precious gift we have.
Sunday, 12 August 2012
Saturday, 11 August 2012
Yesterday was a tough day. I sometimes suffer from hypersensitivity to my senses (no, not my common sense...). Sound and lights in particular can be a problem.
I have always been able to hear bats, or even a watch from across a room. Light can give me headaches or eye aches so I always wear sunglasses when outside. Throw me into a field full of music, people and fairground rides like at the Boardmasters music/surf/skate festival and I lose it. Yesterday was sensory overload and I all but shut down.
My friends were A class people and took me out for a few hours, even though they missed the TinTins playing. But we did get back just in time to see Ed Sheeran play a two hour set and he was awesome. I'm glad that I went back.
It is only in recent weeks that I have discovered how much of an impact hypersensitivity can have on my life. I guess it might seem peculiar to those who have never experienced it. On one hand, it is ultra cool to be able to hear bats (my friend who is an environmental worker is so jealous), on the other side it can lead to anxiety and something that I can only describe as being close to pain. Though it isn't actually hurting.
I have never been to a festival before for this precise reason. So I guess it was a success being there but, I have to say, it is unlikely you will find me at another one anytime soon. :-/
Thursday, 9 August 2012
Well, to white belt at least.
I have been going to a kung fu class for six weeks now and tonight I was graded for my first ever belt....and I passed. It was very satisfying.
Learning kung fu has not been an easy ride. For a start, I surprised myself by actually starting it in the first place (going to something like that on my own has always been too scary for me); plus, I have terrible memory and co-ordination (I'm always covered in bruises). So this white belt is an achievement that shows pure effort. I know it is only the first belt and the nine year old kid also grading today was a lot better than me, but details don't matter. I did it! A good way to start a much needed two wk holiday :-)
I used to write my blogs anonymously, hiding behind a pseudonym; it was easier somehow. I guess I used to live my life like that: anonymously behind a chosen mask.
Lately, I have braved the world without that mask. I am me, and, despite my fears, I have found true friends who accept me for exactly who I am. I never expected to find that.
Life has led me down a rough and brambly path. I have been scratched and caught up in the thorns along the way but, right now , in this very moment, I have found a space where I am content to stay for a while. I am there for my friends as much as they are for me. And I have found that there is contentment knowing that. I don't need more in life than that.
It is worth facing the fear of losing the facade.
Wednesday, 8 August 2012
It has been a stressful few weeks which is why it has been amazing to find myself house sitting for a friend for three weeks...in a house with a hot tub in the garden. Needless to say, I have been lying in it almost every evening since I got here.
It is a little piece of luxury that has been most beneficial. Especially gazing up at the stars and watching the world go by.
I enjoy house sitting, except when you have to cope with fleas (that was the previous house) or the sad passing of multiple fish (there was a small disaster...I was traumatised by the whole affair). It is kind of like going on holiday but with some responsibilities.
Back to work tomorrow for a couple of days then a very much needed holiday for two weeks. Lots of things to write about (it's not all been life in the hot tub!)
Saturday, 4 August 2012
Life moves at an incredible pace these days. Sometimes I wonder how time could possibly have moved on so fast...did I miss stuff along the way? I sometimes wonder if the important things that should have been done were left behind in the excitement of a new relationship and a new group of friends. Have I neglected old friends while my attention has been diverted? I don't know. It has been a blur.
I have always been a dreamer - and a deep thinker - trying to make sense of this world around me. Some may well say that I think too much but this is who I am. I get confused by a lot of things and don't always understand when I get things wrong. But I always do my best. Lately, I have felt out of touch: time being my enemy; my diary always full. Where is my moment to reflect?
While life has become exciting (I even do kung fu now), I wish that it would slow down enough for me to take it all in, because I know that these are the years I wil always want to remember.