Monday, 19 November 2012

Life has taken a slightly different pace since moving to the lodge. It is peaceful here and I no longer feel that urgency to "achieve" something amazing with my life . I am beginning to feel content. Sometimes, though, there is that moment of anxiety when I feel that I am not the high achiever I think everyone wants me to be.

The 100days challenge has mostly fallen by the wayside. Moving house took the wind from my sails but not before I achieved some pretty big things. Now, however, it is difficult to pick up where I left off.

The darkness out here has not helped my running...the country lanes at night have so far intimidated me, even though I have bought the necessary equipment (head torch etc) to cope. My kung fu, however is progressing, which is not surprising as I can practice indoors. I am now yellow sash after last week's grading.

I know that I need to refocus and gather my energies again, perhaps filter through my goals and decide which ones are actually important. There is something else, too. I have found that life has led me straight into the path of someone special, and it is going very well indeed. In fact, so well that I am in a bit of a daze. I didn't think that I would let someone in again but S slipped past my barriers like they didn't exist. With any new relationship, a good one that you hope will last, you begin to wonder how your goals fit in with theirs and whether compromises may one day be required.

I think too much.

I love the lodge, though. It is what I need to escape a hectic world. The stars at night are superb, and the quiet is calming. I am making curtains to make the place more "me" and, little-by-little, I am turning it into a home. My first proper home.

Friday, 26 October 2012

Life and stuff

The weekend is here. I'm sat beside a roaring fire (I might have put too much wood on it in my excitement...and my impatience to get the fire going...) and waiting for the arrival of that someone special. She shouldn't be too much longer but already my stomach is in knots with excitement.

Life does take strange turns when you least expect it, doesn't it?! Just three weeks ago, I had no idea that I would be moving house. Three months ago, I had no idea that I would meet up with someone very special indeed. Three years ago, I had no idea that I would change jobs after 8years of employment in one place. You think you are on one path but the road forks and twists the whole time. Who knows how much life can change in just a moment.

There is the Buddhist concept that everything is change. Nothing, not even your thoughts, are the same from one moment to the next. Even your body changes, the cells die and are replaced. I read somewhere that there is not one part of us that we are born with that is with us today. If everything is in motion, all we can do is ride the waves and embrace the change, good or bad. Tomorrow is a new day, bringing with it new experiences and hope.

There are times that we are desperate to stay with, and other times that we could do without. But Change is the journey and the path. It is a personal journey, unique to every one of us.

My worst times have been plagued with the feeling that things would always remain the same. A pity I did not realise how wrong that notion was. Perhaps things would have changed so much faster. Perhaps not. I believe that we have lessons to learn in life and that we continue to have similar experiences until we learn what we need to. 

Open fires always bring out philosophical ideas in me. Maybe because the flames themselves remind me so much of life in motion.

I hope you all have a super weekend.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

New Beginnings

The move took place without any problems at all, except for a very cold first night until I figured out the heating arrangements. However, I did have some very good company from a certain special someone which helped. :-)

Everything is going well, and I am now happy in my little wooden lodge. It is a shame, then, that I will be cat sitting for the next 6 days. Already, I am missing my little home.

It is funny, the things I have found pleasure in that most take for granted: like making my own house rules, playing whatever music I like, and having visitors whenever I want. Living in a houseshare simply does not give you freedom. At all.

There is just one problem though. It is unavoidable too and something I have to accept as I am now living in the middle of nowhere in a wooden lodge: spiders. Huge spiders. A large one was on my dressing gown this morning...while I was wearing it. :-/ Luckily I caught it in a glass and took it out but I know there are more hiding in the shadows.

Spiders aside, I am happy and enjoying my freedom. No internet except for my phone is a strange added bonus which I have so far enjoyed. The peace and quiet, and the proximity of nature is like heaven.
More news will follow, I am sure. But for now, back to work.

Sunday, 14 October 2012

Moving day is drawing nearer and I think I am getting organised. I say think because I'm in denial: I have 5 days left...4 of those days are at work and 2 evenings are booked with courses :-/  I like challenges...

The good thing about moving is that you get to go through all your stuff and decide what you can't be bothered to move...which, as it turns out, is most of my belongings. If I can move my stuff in 2.5 (I have the bike) car loads, I will count that as a sucess.

So, carboot sale here I come. Oh, and there are plenty of books to go to the book bank...again.

I always think that moving allows you to breakaway from your past and start afresh. I have new and exciting things to focus on, so why carry the past in boxes wherever I go?

I am currently on phase two of the packing. Phase one was going through my stuff and chucking away junk, and piling up everything immediately obvious that I won't need. Phase two is going through the stuff again and throwing out more. Phase three, hopefully tonight, will be going through everything again and only keeping the stuff that I know I would regret getting rid of.  It is not easy being this strict on myself, but it is essential now that I am going to give myself the new start that I deserve.

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

A Toast

I have paid the deposit and set a moving date. Next Friday, I will be moving into a place of my own. I am nervous but excited.

The timing is not soon enough though, but I will explain all in time. All I can say is that I am unwell with stress but I am ploughing on. I need this change.

I was nervous yesterday and unsure of my decision, so I took a trusted friend with me to view the lodge. A second opinion. She loved it as much as I do, so my mind is at ease again. I will make this work, I know I will.

The thing I am most looking forward to: cooking for my friends again, and hosting dinner parties. :-) I hope that this will give me the peace that I have been searching for.

So, tonight I raise a glass (a small one...with a good 18yr old single malt...) to congratulate myself for taking a new direction.

Monday, 8 October 2012

Moving on

I have decided to move. It was actually a rash decision at first (Sorry RR, I made a major life changing decision without you...!) but as I started to look for places, it felt right. Or, at least, it did. Yesterday, I was so sure of it that I said yes to a place.

I found somewhere which is ideal for me: a log cabin in the middle of nowhere. Furnished. With an acre garden. It is cheap too. I guess I got lucky but it concerns me that it seems too easy. Ok, so it is further from work than I would have liked (45 mins each way) but I can car share from not too far away. Oh. And there is no internet so I would have to rely on a dongle = no skype. However, I will be able to have guests over for dinner whenever I like, and the special one in my life can stay at weekends whenever she wants too. It will be a space of my own. Somewhere that I can call home, perhaps.

Maybe it is because of the time scale involved that is making me scared that I have made the wrong decision. (I went to give my notice only to discover that I only have to give two weeks in my current place. Two Weeks! ).

At least I don't have much to pack...! But: two weeks! It does not seem long enough to adjust to the decision. In short, I am highly stressed.

It does not help that I was going through loads of boxes that have been sealed since I left the unhappy house in St Agnes and have come across things that, quite frankly, I never want to see again. I haven't even recycled those things, I have thrown them in a bin bag ready to be dumped.

You can do pros and cons for hours but how do you really know that you have made the right decision? How do you know that staying put for that little bit longer would be wiser? What if a place close to work had come up instead?! This is why I have been here for so long: I hate committing to decisions that could end up me getting into a terrible mess. :-/ But the decision can only be partly undone: whatever happens between now and Sunday week, I will not be living in this place. That is a shock to the system.

Saturday, 29 September 2012

I had set aside today for writing, even though I knew that I could be doing something much better. Last night I was cursing my sensible nature and wished I'd driven off into the blue (well, not the blue because I know exactly where I would have been driving to...). Anyway. When there is work to be done, you can only procrastinate for so long.

I also aimed to have a lie in this morning but, at 8am I had a text from a good friend asking if I wanted to go for a coffee. Within an hour, we were in Truro having a cuppa and a granola bar (bad but not so bad...right?). Then it was off to the food festival and then a very expensive trip to Lush (my friend, being a guy, was a good sport for humouring me while I tried various gorgeous smelling products).

So that was the morning writing. Oops. Procrastination at it's best.

But now to the serious stuff. I have to write. My article will not, unfortunately, write itself. I have all the notes written up. All the thoughts and plan typed out. But it's that common problem again, I look at the blank screen and I feel the panic rising in my chest.

'I can do this', I tell myself as I try to write the first paragraph, but there is another voice that says I can't.

I hate the words 'I can't'. They should be banned from my vocabulary.

Writing is very much about self belief. A block is when you start to doubt yourself. Doubting yourself becomes habituated into your whole writing experience. It's crap.

Anyway, I am well aware that I am using this blog as a procrastination tool at this moment in time. So, off I go to write. Wish me luck...?

Thursday, 27 September 2012

I am still very much missing the weekend and wish that I could be catapulted right back to Friday so that I could experience everything again. However, the craziness of the week has ensured that time has raced on by and, before I have even blinked, it is nearly Friday again.

There was a brief moment, just the briefest, that I had a touch of the woe-is-me's yesterday. I was tired. I have started an evening course at college which is technical and a lot to absorb. Work has been...well, work. Plus I had a ghost visit me from the past (don't they know that things should remain in the past?!). Ten minutes, I sat there and thought: wtf! Then, I got myself up, had a cup of tea and decided to double the effort into the things that actually matter.

The first week of my self-challenge has gone by fairly successfully. Ok, so I only did one hour of kung fu tonight because I was not feeling quite up to it, but I will have run 14 miles by Sunday (16 if I have enough time to do 6miles tomorrow).

I think my biggest problem so far is saying no to things I want to do, like hanging out with my mates even though I have some strict deadlines this week. (I'll make it up to them next week!!), and no to spending hours searching for new songs on Youtube (I failed on Tuesday but I did get a lot of music on my walkman ;-) ).

Staying focused is not as easy as I thought. Procrastination and distractions are the wolves waiting at the door.

Thursday, 20 September 2012

Where has the summer gone? The swallows: how did I miss them leaving? (Have they left? I don't recall seeing one for a couple of weeks now).

I look out of the window at work and see blackberries instead of pretty pink flowers, and blackbirds perched on branches that are losing their leaves. Autumn is here. It would have been nice to have seen a proper summer before the seasons started to change.

There are two times of the year when I start to get itchy feet: always in the Spring when I feel like I need to be doing something - anything - other than what I am doing. The other time is roughly now, when there are only about 100 days left of the year and I haven't actually done the things I had planned to. What, for example, happened to the trip to Sicily (especially after I so diligently bought the very latest Rough Guide book), or the book that I was hoping to have had under a publisher's wings by now, or...well, you get the idea.

The problem with procrastination is that you spend so much time planning and dreaming, and not enough time doing. I don't want to end another year underachieving, or have unfulfilled dreams. I want to be successful. To have achieved something I value.

Frustrated with the time I have so far wasted over the last year, I have decided to put a stop to it. I have written a list of the things I want to achieve and I have come up with a fools guide for myself to get them done. The first step is learning to say no.

Today is day one of my given time scale (there are actually, including today, 99 days until my birthday) and the word "no" has not come easily. I gave away the last of my giant bag of chocolate today (this, the day after I stuffed my gob with Kinder eggs, making myself feel sick...knowing that today was coming). So now I just have to say no thanks to sweets and chocolate for the next 3 months. I am also saying no to time wasting activities, like Facebook, at lunchtime. I figure that saying no is like a method to better channel your energy to positive things. That way, the things I say yes to will mean more.

Finally, I think that I need to make myself accountable for achieving my goals. This should help me fulfil them, but to whom am I accountable to? Myself? That's not very good, I'm too soft. I wouldn't be able to discipline myself (what would I do? Ground myself?!). So, do I splash the details around so when I fail succeed, I can tell people?

Hmm. This probably needs more thought. However, time moves on. Today is day one and I am not going to fall on the first hurdle because I'm too busy looking at the details of the running track.

p.s. I am rubbish at thinking of post titles. Any handy tips would be amazing. Thanks!

Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Two years ago, I started working for the charity I now work for. Two years feels like a lifetime of change. Anything that could have changed has changed. All the highs and lows have come and gone, and I feel like a whirlwind has lifted me up and transported me to another life.

When I first started working here, it was all about the charity. That's all I cared about. I did not have a glamorous job, nor a highly paid one, but it didn't matter. I was working for this charity who directly help people. I was a passionate supporter; a devoted worker.

Somewhere along the way, I forgot what I was working towards. I started focusing only on my job and forging a career path. I had forgotten what I was supporting, and how my work helped in the long run.

People often say how cool it must be to work where I do, even though their eyes glaze over with boredom when I mention that I'm an IT geek by profession. For them, though, it is the charity aspect that matters. I have become so used to this that I stopped paying attention. Yesterday, though, someone asked me if it was good for the soul knowing that what I do directly helps people. It made me really think.

How often do we consider how our work, or whatever it is that we do in life, affects others?

There is an old phrase: Do Good, Feel Good. It's simple: help others or do a good deed and it will make you feel positive. There is even research to show that doing nice things can improve health. My job is in IT but I help support an organisation that does fantastic work. But I'm not sure that's enough.

I once read about people who do a random act of kindness every day. They make it a challenge: How can I help someone today? It could be anything, like giving someone your part used parking ticket, or even something as simple as a smile to someone who looks sad (this, so I discovered today, can get you into an interesting situation...). I have tried to incorporate this into my life every now and then, but I think it's time to restart it.

It's not just what we do in life that matters, but why we do it and how we go about it.

Monday, 17 September 2012

It was a long weekend. The best weekend. I miss it. I miss her...

But now it is back to normal life. I am thankful, for once, that I have a lot on my plate (responsibilities at work this week are set to have me racing around fire-fighting on my own while I hold the fort; I start a new course at college tomorrow and I have my usual commitments). With so much to do, time will surely go faster. It has to, right?

I would like Friday to come around again quickly. Please.

Thursday, 13 September 2012

I wonder how long it takes to stop doing what you should and to start doing what you want.

I'm thinking this as I tackle another day in the corporate environment (OK, as corporate environments go, it is pretty relaxed).

Here's to dreaming of different things.

Sunday, 9 September 2012

Procrastination and stuff

I can't tell you how much effort it took to take out my laptop this morning and actually start writing. For two hours I have been using some great diversion tactics, like looking at bikes. Well, actually just for this bike:
This bike is in my dreams. Always. It is also just out of my reach, financially.

I blame the guys at work for this diversion. They were asking me how my cycling was going and I discussed how off roading was going well but to start seriously considering the long cycle to work, I would need a road bike. They tried to convince me that forking out the £800 for this beauty on my credit card is a good thing because it is like an investment (bikes don't lose their value much). They don't know, of course, that I am still paying off my credit card debt that my ex left me and the car loan my ex wife left me (I know, I used to have "idiot" written across my forehead. I'm learning).

After much googling, I found the bike on sale for £599. Amazing. I then spent too long justifying the purchase. True, if I cycled to work every day it would save me a staggering £1400 a year. Cost against savings, it would be an investment. BUT it would mean a heavy commitment from me. 25 miles a day, every day, in rain, snow, wind. Would I be too tired for Kung Fu on Thursdays? Or my IT course on Tuesdays. Or...

I didn't buy the bike. But I WANT the bike. I want doesn't mean I should, right? Being an adult is not much fun when you try to be sensible.

So, this morning I rediscovered that I am still a contender for the world's worst procrastinator (or would that be best procrastinator?!) title: I even procrastinate with the things I am using to procrastinate. Sigh.

And all this when I was supposed to be writing.

Saturday, 8 September 2012


Time flies.
I've been too busy.
I've been stressed out.
I've got writer's block.
Um...I forgot...

These are just a few of the excuses I manage to find not to write a blog or, in fact, do any writing whatsoever. I even use them not to do adult stuff that is easily avoidable (except for dusting, my dust allergy has been getting worse lately, so I can't get out of that one! NB. How ironic: I hate dusting - I mean, I really really don't like doing it - but I am allergic to the stuff. I am allergic to dust mite poop. Nice).

When I got my Smart Phone, it gave me instantaneous access to blogger...and also instantaneous distractions. Oops.

It comes down to motivation.

I am motivated enough to go running, or walking, and most definitely for kung fu (which I'm doing two hours a week now) but writing... that involves sitting still for more than ten minutes.I can sit still for longer than ten minutes if I'm watching a film. I can sit still for longer than ten minutes if I am catching up with friends. But writing...!

A few weeks ago, I decided to give myself a friendly kick up the arse. (No easy feat, I can tell you). I managed to get myself a commission to write an article for a magazine. Great! Fantastic, even. But, now the interview has been done, here comes the hard bit: I have to write. In fact, I have to sit still long enough to write. This will be an interesting challenge.

Thursday, 23 August 2012


If you were told that you could meet another you, in a parallel universe for example, what would you do? Would you want to meet this other self? Would you want to ask them questions; would you try to discover who you are from them?

It makes you wonder though, doesn't it? If you could really see an alternative you - who is like you in every way - would you like yourself? We are often blinded to our own foibles  and peculiarities, but strangely we also spend a lot of time beating ourselves up or giving ourselves a hard time. Or, at least, I know I do.

I do like to spend quite a lot of time on my own, and I indulge in introspection as I walk for miles upon miles in perfect isolation but I am only slightly closer to knowing who I am. I mean like really knowing. There are just so many questions. Wouldn't it be easier if I had another "self" to ask.

Imagine if it was possible. I would like this other me, I am certain of that. Admittedly, I would have a few words with her about procrastination and motivation, and maybe patience too, but I would pat her on the back for getting back up every time she suffered a fall; and for signing up to kung fu even though she's shy. I would say well done for all the achievements in the last two years: for losing all the weight, for becoming fit and healthy, for pushing herself to run and cycle no matter what the weather. She's pushed herself into meeting new people and has made many friends along the way. She has coped with heartbreaks and suffering but still she is a kind and compassionate woman who is a loyal and trusted friend. Thinking about it, that other self is pretty strong when she has to be, which means that I must be too. That's kind of cool, when you look at it like that.

I'm not trying to enlarge my ego, it's just that sometimes I think that it is so easy to beat yourself up for all the little failings that you end up missing the bigger picture. One of my friends once said that everyone is stronger than they think they are. I am now beginning to think that's true.

So what would you see in your self if you had a parallel "you" standing in front of you? Would you see them for all the good and the bad?

Wayne W Dyer said: "You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with". We are with ourselves all the time, even in sleep we are there in some shape or form, so perhaps it's for the best that we learn how to like ourselves otherwise it will be a long and bumpy journey.

Tuesday, 21 August 2012

I've been a bit AWOL. I suppose that's not much different to how I usually feel. Maybe I'm permanently AWOL?

I am often very much a lone wolf. I go for my 12+ mile walks on my own and I enjoy every moment of my own company. I like to go off road cycling and get plastered in mud...on my own. I don't need company, or so I thought. This is what I call going AWOL. One of my friends said that I go a bit feral, but being wild isn't something I'd associate with myself. I do, however, sometimes find it difficult to relate to the world so I just go quiet for a while so that I can figure things out.

As I said, I thought that that's all I need but today I felt sad: I've never had anyone to share these adventures with; not someone who actually gets it, anyway. For a start, I don't actually know anyone who would be up for walking 5 hours at a time and who stops to look at cool wildlife along the way. And I have only ever met one girl who likes cycling like I do. I'm sure she's out there, I just haven't met her. I guess I have realised that that is what I am really missing. :-/

In the mean time, while I take time off work, I am adventuring as much as I can. I might not be able to share it, but at least I can still have fun.

Thursday, 16 August 2012

Today I attended the funeral of a work colleague. It was a sad day but a lovely send off to a wonderful woman.

It had been a shock to find out that she had suffered a fatal heart attack. She was only 59. I know that she will be sorely missed.

Life is fragile, so easily snuffed out. It's why every day we are alive should be lived and be grateful for. Who knows how much time we have left.

I have not been to many funerals, though the number is creeping up at a more noticeable rate as I get older. I have always preferred the ones that celebrate the life of the person who has died. Today's was like.

So, although I am in a somewhat muted mood this evening, I have continued as ever to try to live a little because life is the most precious gift we have.

Sunday, 12 August 2012

It is the little things that bugged me most that I will miss the most. Relationship breakups suck, even if it is a mutual decision for the best.

Saturday, 11 August 2012


Yesterday was a tough day. I sometimes suffer from hypersensitivity to my senses (no, not my common sense...). Sound and lights in particular can be a problem.
I have always been able to hear bats, or even a watch from across a room. Light can give me headaches or eye aches so I always wear sunglasses when outside. Throw me into a field full of music, people and fairground rides like at the Boardmasters music/surf/skate festival and I lose it. Yesterday was sensory overload and I all but shut down.

My friends were A class people and took me out for a few hours, even though they missed the TinTins playing. But we did get back just in time to see Ed Sheeran play a two hour set and he was awesome. I'm glad that I went back.

It is only in recent weeks that I have discovered how much of an impact hypersensitivity can have on my life. I guess it might seem peculiar to those who have never experienced it. On one hand, it is ultra cool to be able to hear bats (my friend who is an environmental worker is so jealous), on the other side it can lead to anxiety and something that I can only describe as being close to pain. Though it isn't actually hurting.

I have never been to a festival before for this precise reason. So I guess it was a success being there but, I have to say, it is unlikely you will find me at another one anytime soon. :-/

Thursday, 9 August 2012

I know Kung Fu...

Well, to white belt at least.

I have been going to a kung fu class for six weeks now  and tonight I was graded for my first ever belt....and I passed. It was very satisfying.

Learning kung fu has not been an easy ride. For a start, I surprised myself by actually starting it in the first place (going to something like that on my own has always been too scary for me); plus, I have terrible memory and co-ordination (I'm always covered in bruises). So this white belt is an achievement that shows pure effort. I know it is only the first belt and the nine year old kid also grading today was a lot better than me, but details don't matter. I did it! A good way to start a much needed two wk holiday :-)

Losing the mask.

I used to write my blogs anonymously, hiding behind a pseudonym; it was easier somehow. I guess I used to live my life like that: anonymously behind a chosen mask.

Lately, I have braved the world without that mask. I am me, and, despite my fears, I have found true friends who accept me for exactly who I am. I never expected to find that.

Life has led me down a rough and brambly path. I have been scratched and caught up in the thorns along the way but, right now , in this very moment, I have found a space where I am content to stay for a while. I am there for my friends as much as they are for me. And I have found that there is contentment knowing that. I don't need more in life than that.
It is worth facing the fear of losing the facade.

Wednesday, 8 August 2012

Life in a hot tub

It has been a stressful few weeks which is why it has been amazing to find myself house sitting for a friend for three a house with a hot tub in the garden. Needless to say, I have been lying in it almost every evening since I got here.

It is a little piece of luxury that has been most beneficial. Especially gazing up at the stars and watching the world go by.

I enjoy house sitting, except when you have to cope with fleas (that was the previous house) or the sad passing of multiple fish (there was a small disaster...I was traumatised by the whole affair). It is kind of like going on holiday but with some responsibilities.

Back to work tomorrow for a couple of days then a very much needed holiday for two weeks. Lots of things to write about (it's not all been life in the hot tub!)

Saturday, 4 August 2012

A moment to reflect...

Life moves at an incredible pace these days. Sometimes I wonder how time could possibly have moved on so fast...did I miss stuff along the way? I sometimes wonder if the important things that should have been done were left behind in the excitement of a new relationship and a new group of friends. Have I neglected old friends while my attention has been diverted? I don't know. It has been a blur.

I have always been a dreamer - and a deep thinker - trying to make sense of this world around me. Some may well say that I think too much but this is who I am. I get confused by a lot of things and don't always understand when I get things wrong. But I always do my best. Lately, I have felt out of touch: time being my enemy; my diary always full. Where is my moment to reflect?

While life has become exciting (I even do kung fu now), I wish that it would slow down enough for me to take it all in, because I know that these are the years I wil always want to remember.

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

I was afraid to move this morning. Gradually, as I realised that my desire for a cup of tea was growing more with passing time, I turned over in bed and slowly lifted myself up to a sitting position. Something was wrong...had my body gone numb?! I should have been hurting, surely?

Yesterday I cycled for 32 miles in the morning, then went on a 4 mile walk in the afternoon. My brain told me that, by rights, I would be hurting this morning. I wasn't. In fact, I even went on a 5 mile walk today and had no problems whatsoever. I am feeling quite proud of myself. Obviously my fitness and stamina have improved immensely in the last few months.

Some of my friends think that my exercise is getting obsessive. Exercise can be addictive, I can't deny that. However, my cycling and walking is more about getting out on my own; it gives me time to think and to de-stress from work.

I have not been 100% happy for a while (generally I am cheerful but there always feels like something is missing, I just haven't been able to work it out until now). Getting out on my own has given me the opportunity to mull over recent events and figure out what I want from life. I've come to the conclusion that I don't want this. "This" being how I am currently living day by day without really aiming for anything. And I do actually want more: A family...before I get too old; a home of my own that I can decorate as I please; a photography/writing career; a chance to explore the world, perhaps.

I am tugging at the roots that I've set it the Spring, I wonder? I always get restless at this time of the year. 
There are things that I want to do. I have written up ideas for three books (non-fiction) and have several other projects that I could be working on (exciting ones that I don't want to mention until I have confirmation that they are going ahead). I even have inspiration (if only I could write!!) for a novel. But something is holding me back...too much work at work, perhaps? Or am I trying to crowd myself with too many ideas.

This is why I need to get out and think - I need to come up with an action plan that balances all my needs, desires and plans. It's not that there isn't enough time, it's that I'm not using the time I am given wisely, methinks. :-/

Sunday, 4 March 2012

I had hoped for a lie-in today to help recover from the stresses and strains of the week but chance would be a fine thing. I was wide awake at my usual time (6.35am) and now wondering if it would be a good idea to crawl back into bed and try to grab some more sleep.

A week goes by so quickly in my world. Too quickly. It's difficult, sometimes, to keep track of the days. I often get to the weekend and wonder where the hell the time went. And have all my plans been completed? No... but I am doing a lot better at not procrastinating my life away. Progress, methinks.

I'm beginning to notice patterns with my procrastination. It's like a bad habit that I want to shake off, much like a smoker who has had enough of filling his lungs with tar. Procrastination, I think, is just as addictive as tobacco if not worse, and it breeds more procrastination (like Tribbles; a star trek reference), and is worsened when, like me, you have an impulsive nature. Still, if people can give up tobacco, I can give up procrastination...right? Well. One step at a time, I'm sure it can be done.

Thursday, 23 February 2012

Stressful Days

Some days are always more stressful than others, whether it be other people that cause problems or more work than normal, or just that everything happens at once. Today, it was another person that made me stressed. I had to deal with someone who is very difficult indeed, someone who rants and raves as soon as you say something to him, and I'm sure it's partly because he's afraid that someone will notice that he doesn't actually know what he's doing.

As soon as I sent an email earlier today, I had an uneasy feeling that I was baiting a bear. It was a simple, straight forward message, but I guess there's only so many times you can poke a bear with a stick before it turns around and bites you. Today, I got bitten. Well, actually I got yelled at down the phone.

Twenty five minutes I was on the phone for until, finally, he calmed down enough to listen to me. Annoyed? Yes, I was, but somehow I managed to stay calm and got what I wanted.

So. Tonight. I need stress relief: back to running. Yay!

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

The end of procrastination?

I am an interminable procrastinator. If you've been reading my blog over the past 6 years, this will probably come as no surprise. It is a repeating theme; the story of my life.
I have always suspected how bad my procrastination is but I didn't expect to be a master at it. Apparently I am. However, I am determined for it not to seal my fate. There is too much I want to achieve with my life.
Read any article on procrastination and you will see the same tips appearing again and again to overcome it but the key is getting the right motivation in the first place, and a lasting one.
As I was driving back from Dover, I stopped off at a motorway station and, there, practically throwing itself at me, was the book "The Procrastination Equation" by Dr Piers Steel. I bought it on a whim, but it's fascinating. I now hope that it will help with my years-long search for a "cure". We shall see.

Funnily enough, finding this book has almost coincided with a Time Management course I attended yesterday. (Do you see a theme developing here? I'm trying to organise and improve my life more than I ever have). This one was to help me with my job which revolves around three different roles but has applications which I can use just as easily at home as in the work place. I spent the whole journey home planning - maybe I will get those projects underway after all.

Right now, I am optimistic. I just have to keep myself motivated...

Friday, 20 January 2012

I feel a bit sad today. It's a long story. Even the bare bones of the story doesn't seem to make sense to me. I keep wondering where I could possibly have gone wrong but I don't think it's me. Strike that. I know it's not me.
I don't understand why people runaway, especially when there doesn't seem to be any reason. Just ceasing contact. It upsets me. More so when I got on so well with someone. I've realised that the one thing I'll never quite understand is people. Some people, at least. I would never put every person in one category!

On Cat Central - Everything seems to be going well. The cats are getting used to me and I'm finding that I can actually relax here. I haven't been for a run since Monday, however, which kind of ruins my fitness regime (I'm up to 7mile runs now, by the way). I am out in the countryside here and I don't feel so safe running in the dark lanes at night. :-/

Thursday, 19 January 2012

Chilling out

At 11.49 last night, I woke up wide awake and thought "wow, what an amazing sleep". Then I looked at my clock and realised that I'd only been asleep for a couple of hours. I'd had an Indian Head Massage in the evening and fell asleep almost as soon as I got back. It was amazing.

I did manage to go back to sleep again, and slept through most of the night. Not even the rascal cats woke me up with their night time games (seriously, that first night, they must have been very unsettled having me stay here and they were really noisey). I feel much more chilled out this morning (it also helps that I have an off-site meeting today, so I get to enjoy a later start!).

I have worked very hard over the last year and a half, and, finally, I have got myself into the position where I don't have to worry so much about money. I can afford the odd treat (like Indian Head Massages) now and then, and I can fix my car if it goes wrong. It is very different from this time last year where I could barely afford to eat. [I never want to be that poor again. Ever.]

So. Day three at Cat Central begins. Already the cats have given me morning cuddles. I am starting to enjoy this. Here is a photograph of the other cat:


Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Day one at Cat House

Today, I find myself in the middle of the countryside staying in a house with two beautiful Persian cats. I am housesitting and, as such, I get the luxury of my own company for a couple of weeks.

Housesitting works for me: I don't have any ties and it's almost like a holiday (except that I'm still going to work every day). A change of scenery is a good thing sometimes, and the quiet time allows me to focus on myself: my plans and work. I have a lot of ideas that I want to focus on and this is the perfect excuse to do it. [Why do we always wait for an excuse to do something?!]

So. This is day one. A coincidence that this is my first blog of the year?! I hope to be able to blog most nights/days. We'll see.

Here is a photograph I took of one of the cats, the ginga ninja.

ginga ninja