If I could, I would be going to my kick boxing and kung fu classes tomorrow night. I can't...I mustn't. I shouldn't really...  Sigh. I know I won't, but I can dream of going. I can be an arm chair martial artist for the evening and dream of doing the most amazingly high front kicks and dazzling spinning kicks that land perfectly every time. I would be Michelle Yeoh in Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, or Uma Thurman in Kill Bill. I would, essentially, be amazing. It would be the best training session ever (and it wouldn't even be showing off, because everyone else would have equally amazing skills which we would use to spar and train together).

OK. So now I'm even fantasising about exercise. I'm not sure that's a good sign.

I am still incapacitated with my leg injuries: day 4 and I'm getting to the point of tearful frustration. At least the pain is beginning to subside.  I had to work from home today (thankfully I have a very understanding boss...plus I have proven that PA work can be done anywhere so long as you have a laptop, work notes and work phone). My feet up, phone beside me, I actually got an awful lot of work done, but I just didn't want to be here: stuck. With no exercise.

I never was very patient.

It wasn't so long ago, a couple of years perhaps, that I hardly exercised at all. That was before, when I was in the 'bad' relationship. I stayed at home most of the time, I drove everywhere, and I became overweight. I was back to exercising as soon as I got out of that awful relationship. In fact, at one point, you could say that I was mildly obsessional about exercise. I was running 7 miles 3 times a week, plus doing 30-40 mile cycles at the weekends, plus walks most days. You can have too much of a good thing: I got sick because I wasn't eating enough carbs and vitamins to cover what I needed. 

I take a more measured approach nowadays. Admittedly, if I hadn't been running back from a two hour kung fu session, I wouldn't be where I am now, but at least I always make sure that I am well fed with the right nutrients, hydrated and ready to go. I don't do nearly as much exercise either. But, if I can't exercise, I really do notice its absence. It has reminded me that I should be grateful for my fitness levels and ability more often, because I don't know when I could lose it.

I guess that's the same with everything in life: be grateful for it when you can.

Waiting to get back on my feet

I have injured myself. It was being over zealous during my Kung Fu practise, and because I ran the two miles in to Falmouth and back to get to the class. I have never experienced such pain in my thighs before.

At work yesterday, I deliberately dehydrated myself so that I wouldn't have to go down the stairs from my office to the loo. When I did need to go, I was in so much pain that I thought I might have a little accident on the way down (I didn't... nor did I really expect to. I was just avoiding the pain). I could have cried.

I am not good at being immobilised. In fact, you could say that I hate it. I am prone to suffering from anxiety and stress, and my normal exercise regime is something that keeps it under control. I am not impressed with myself for taking a risk. But there is no need for the 'what ifs' and 'should have dones'. It won't change it.

So here I am, with my legs raised, and unable to do much at all. I can only hope that I have decent movement by Tuesday which is when I have my San Shou kick boxing and Choy Li Fut Kung Fu lessons. In just a couple of weeks, I am expecting to be able to grade for Choy Li Fut, I can't afford to miss the lessons in between.

I will admit to feeling sorry for myself, certainly earlier. I bought some wheat free bread just so that I could eat some peanut butter (when I was young, we were very poor. I got the mumps and my brother scraped just enough money together to buy some peanut butter to help make me feel better, it did and it has had that effect ever since). I even sent a text to The Girlfriend to say I missed her (she called and asked why...I might have confessed that I missed her making cups of tea...my memory is hazy ;-) ).

I am tired, though. So tired. Sleeping proved difficult last night, for every movement of my legs set off the pain. I was half dosing, and then The Girlfriend came back. Even though I'd missed her (not just for her tea making abilities), it became...frustrating. She wouldn't leave me alone (she wanted kisses), and then she started fussing over the general mess I had created during the day and my half-hearted attempt to sort out things to sell in the spare bedroom. She complained that I couldn't pick things up off of the floor...I'd liked to have reminded her that I couldn't even reach my toes this afternoon let alone reach the things on the floor. However, she had a point. If I hadn't thrown them on the floor in the first place, they wouldn't have been there to pick up...

The good news is, she brought a Danish pastry back for me. Admittedly, this won't help my wheat intolerance and generally dodgy stomach, however I'd texted her continuously until she had agreed. (I know how to be persuasive). She even made me a cup of tea and placed it on the table at the end of the sofa (sweet, but I couldn't reach it...). She sighed heavily when I asked for her to get it for me. I think there might be someone else here who can't wait for me to get back on my feet!

[In all seriousness, S has been as good as gold, even if the tea was put in the wrong place. She's patient and kind. I am lucky.]

Is it possible to O.D. on peanut butter...?

I don't think so. My partner seems to think that even the smell of it is toxic. So toxic that even having a sealed jar in the cupboard is dangerous.

Ah well, the boss at home is still at work. That means it is peanut butter-o'clock. What she doesn't know won't harm her. Nom nom. ;-)

A Dress

It is not that I made a conscious decision to stop buying girly clothes, it just kind of happened gradually over time. The shift in clothes choice related to a dark period of my life when I put on shit loads of weight. It was a confidence thing, clearly. I was also in denial and wore elasticated waist lines so that I didn't have to admit that I was fat...and getting fatter.

I've lost all that weight now but I didn't go back to particularly feminine clothes. It came to a point a few weeks ago that I had to dig through old (ancient) photographs of me looking very feminine just to prove it to people. Short skirts, very long hair, long nails (kept shortish now for practical reasons), delicate shoes. Now I like to wear my DMs and smart trousers to work, or jeans at any other possible time that I can. It is because it is practical; comfortable. It certainly was for when I worked in IT.

But I am not in IT any more. This should have been in an update a while ago, but I am now a Personal Assistant. Back to administration, which I had promised myself I would never return to (it is actually a good job, but that's another story). I don't always need to wear such practical clothes, as I'm not going into server rooms or crawling under desks. I felt that it was time for a change. So I did it...I bought a dress.

I was always told that you should look in the mirror at yourself and find the one thing you like about yourself and say 'I love my *' (*fill in with eyes/smile/wrists/or other relevant body part). It isn't an ego thing, it is purely to say to yourself that there's something good you like (much more positive than look at sagging stomachs with self-loathing - I know, I've done that too). For me: my legs. I love my legs. All the hard work from doing three martial arts has paid off with perfectly toned legs. OK, so there are bits of my body I don't like at all, but if I look at my legs: I am good.

When I was overweight I was at my least confident and could barely speak to a shop assistant. It took me 6 months to get hair cuts, and I wore crappy clothes because I was afraid to go shopping. The guys at university even had a nickname for me: mute girl. It wasn't nice, but it was accurate. Over time, I grew as a person, but I was still lacking confidence and staying in terrible relationships because I didn't know that there could be better for me out there..

One day, when the shit hit the fan (I very suddenly became single), I decided that I didn't want that for myself any more; I wanted to be a part of the world. So I changed. I worked damn hard at change. Now I am a healthy size, I go to three different martial arts lessons, I am a PA that has to speak to a lot of different people, and I wear dresses.

This dress isn't just a dress to me, it is a reflection of how far I have come.

Everyone did a double take when they saw me today. Everyone. If an earlier version of myself could see me now, I doubt she would recognise me either.

Pants...

...fast drying. Sweat defying. At least, that's what the packet says. Don't ask how I got this pair of lady garments, don't even ask what they look like. I can't tell you, it would ruin my reputation. Better you think of them as lace, red perhaps, than the dull grey granny-pants that they actually are.

They have been at the back of my underwear drawer for some time. Unused, unwanted. But then the time finally came when I decided to test them.

We are walking the southwest coast path, not in one go (I tried that when I was younger and managed 120 miles before I got an injury) but in 13-14 mile sections at a time. We might do a section a day here and there, maybe occasionally camp on the way to make a whole weekend of walking. It is on both of our bucket lists.

We planned our first section on our holiday last week. St Agnes to Godrevy. 13.4 miles of beautiful coast with steep inclines and steeper drops. There is nothing like coast walking to get you hot and well exercised. What a perfect opportunity to test the pants!

It was a joke, at first. My partner laughed (oh, how she laughed) when the pants went on, but even in those first moments I knew that they felt...comfortable. We drove out to the starting point and started the walk. It was a hot day with glorious sunshine, and we started off at a fast pace. After an hour, they felt dry and comfortable. After two hours, the same...I almost got caught (in the middle of nowhere) checking...! (That would have looked odd). Damn it, even as we came to the end of the walk at 4.5 hours, they were soft, dry and comfy to wear.

I am an experienced walker. I have hiked up mountains (UK ones, if they count), across the Lake District and Peak District, across Dartmoor and Bodmin Moor, Penwith and the coastal path. I have walked hundreds of miles. Literally. But I never thought I would be converted to granny pants. Please don't say it's my age.

I once did a 14 mile walk wearing a thong under my walking trousers. Trust me, you wouldn't want to try it.  

No. I am afraid I am converted. I washed and readied the garment for the next walk which we did on Saturday (Godrevy to St Ives). I think they will become as important as my walking boots...

More changes

My life goes in cycles of change. It is never one stream of continuous moments, everything tends to pile in at the same time.

We have not been happy with our current accommodation. I have been there for two months, S one. On the face of it, it is a nice, quiet place but when you look closer the landlord painted over problems (damp problems) which are now just making the first stages of reappearance. There is no telephone line and we aren't allowed to get one (we didn't know this until we moved in. It is strange, to say the least). The plan is to escape.

We managed to scrape together the deposit for a new place, which we have arranged but are awaiting for the confirmation. I hope that it is successful. It is a nicer place, light and airy with two bedrooms and two bathrooms (one en suite). It seems more homely. Fingers crossed.

I have also, after all that work on the IT qualification (which I  passed a few weeks ago after hours and hours of revision), got a new job as a PA. I start on Thursday. It couldn't be so far from the IT career that I had started to work towards but it is something that I think will be fascinating and challenging (definitely challenging).

I gave myself just two short weeks off after my CompTIA A+ exams before the wheel of change started again. The move was sort of planned (we estimated September to get a place but the move date is hopefully going to be mid August instead). The job was not. A month ago, I could not have even imagined a job change. It will be exciting, though, with all the projects and objectives that I have been prepared with already.

It is, with lots of hope, that I will finally settle down after all this. I don't want to move for a good few years after (it is already four times in 10 months!). We shall see. For now, though, I need to de-stress as much as possible (go for runs, cycle, write) because it is a lot to think about in such a short time. Time and time again, I find myself wondering: why do I do this to myself? But then, I remember, I never do anything by halves.